Moi (amante_donne) wrote in soulingo,
Moi
amante_donne
soulingo

Beach

This is something I wrote a little while back, although I have edited it recently. I have a number of issues with it that I am not 100% sure how to change.

I was trying to capture the atmosphere of a wind and rain swept beach during a storm and I am not sure if I hit it off in the way I meant, I know what I wanted it to “feel” like in my head and I’m not sure I captured it enough in text.

Also I am not sure on punctuation, I tended to put in, and . when it “sounds right” when reading the sentence back. I am not sure what to do to improve my punctuation.

Anyway opinion would be appreciate but are not expected, but be honest, if you think it is lousy then say it is lousy, but tell my WHY you think it’s lousy, constructive criticism without the constructive bit is frustrating lol



REWRITTEN - posted 12/07/07

Low clouds hung fat and heavy as far as the eye could see, the torrential rain falling from their dark grey bellies soaking everything, no one dared be out on a night like this, no one except me.

I stood looking out towards the sea, high winds, cold and biting, froze every exposed piece of skin, whilst the needle like rain stung and soaked me to the bone. I needed to move so breaking myself out of my paralysis I took my first step onto the stones towards to water. Large waves broke against and the shore, smashing into the stones and pebbles, their frothy fingers exploring the beach before whooshing back like an express train into the maelstrom, I could taste the salt in the air and on my lips, and when the wind changed direction I felt the hot burning chill of the cold wind against my exposed flesh. I was shivering with the cold but pushed on towards my destination.

I made my way over to a thick stone wall which shielded me from some of the wind and rain until I came to a deep alcove in the wall. I stepped inside. A salty smell invaded my nostrils as seaweed and algae clung to the walls. I loitered near the entrance staying far enough in to stay out of the worst of the weather.

Coming to the beach was something that I loved to do, especially when a storm was raging and even more especially at night. The noise, the smell, everything about the whole experience felt cleansing to the soul, it seemed to allow me to empty my mind of all the crap that had built up over the previous weeks and months and to just look out in awe and wonderment at Mother Nature and her unbridled fury as she proved how puny we are in her presence. And tonight was special as I had all aspects that I loved at the same time.

I stood there for a few hours contemplating things gone past when I finally made my decision. I moved out of the alcove and walked towards the waves, wading into the swells. Waves broke against me, forcing me off balance and I had to lean into them to make any progress I could make out some lights on the horizon and I briefly wondered who was out there in a storm and at night. The waves continued to break against me; I could feel the pull of the tide as the water rushed back from the beach.

I turned and took one last look at the lights of town, bright and gaudy; I knew I would never see them again. I turned and faced the ocean one more and then began to wade in deeper, the water was cold and I began to shiver, but I moved forward, large waves, taller than me were rushing forward really to engulf me, and then I was under, water forcing its way into my mouth and my nostrils. I made no effort to fight it infact I breathed it all in, water all around engulfing me.

And then there was total darkness, a brief sensation of floating, and then nothing.


***
PREVIOUS VERSION posted 11/07/07

High winds and rain swirled and wrapped around me, pulling at my clothes and soaking me through to the bone. I walked out onto the beach, my boots crunched on the wet stone and I struggled to keep my balance as I made my way down the various inclines then sharp dips towards the ocean. The cold wind howled even more, my face felt frozen, but I continued onwards towards the sea.

I made my way over to a thick stone wall which shielded me from some of the wind and rain until I came to a deep alcove in the wall. I stepped inside. A salty smell invaded my nostrils as seaweed and algae clung to the walls. I loitered near the entrance staying far enough in to stay out of the worst of the weather.

The sea was rough. Large waves lifted high and then curled over and smashed onto the beach. Their frothy fingers exploring the beach before being sucked back into the maelstrom with the noise of an express train. I could taste the salt in the air and on my lips, and when the wind changed direction I felt the hot burning chill of the cold wind against my exposed flesh.

Coming to the beach was something that I loved to do, especially when a storm was raging and even more especially at night. The noise, the smell, everything about the whole experience felt cleansing to the soul, it seemed to allow me to empty my mind of all the crap that had built up over the previous weeks and months and to just look out in awe and wonderment at Mother Nature and her unbridled fury as she proved how puny we are in her presence. And tonight was special as I had all aspects that I loved at the same time.

I stood there for a few hours contemplating things gone past when I finally made my decision. I moved out of the alcove and walked towards the waves, wading into the swells. Waves broke against me, forcing me off balance and I had to lean into them to make any progress I could make out some lights on the horizon and I briefly wondered who was out there in a storm and at night. The waves continued to break against me; I could feel the pull of the tide as the water rushed back from the beach.

I turned and took one last look at the lights of town, bright and gaudy; I knew I would never see them again. I turned and faced the ocean one more and then began to wade in deeper, the water was cold and I began to shiver, but I moved forward, large waves, taller than me were rushing forward really to engulf me, and then I was under, water forcing its way into my mouth and my nostrils. I made no effort to fight it infact I breathed it all in, water all around engulfing me.

And then there was total darkness, a brief sensation of floating, and then nothing.
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic
  • 4 comments